TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #5

Well, it was the lowest rated Oscars since 1974 and it was easy to see why. No one wants to see a bunch of movies they didn’t like or never heard of win meaningless awards. The real “crowd pleaser’s” (see our best of 2007 list) get passed over year after year in favor of the so called “important films” and they wonder why no one gives a shit. The category that this was most obvious with was that of Best Picture.
It was easy to see what kind of awards show it was going be. With nominees like Atonement and Micheal Clayton, viewers could not have cared less. I thought Atonement was a real piece of shit (see our review). Micheal Clayton was decent and George Clooney was great in it, but best picture? I mean, where was the academy for The Firm, The Rainmaker, and A Civil Action? These three films are similar and superior to Micheal Clayton, yet all got snubbed the years they were released. At least No Country for Old Men was 2/3 of a good movie. Talk about anti-climactic. Pick a main character and fucking stick with it. Juno was a fun film filled with sharp writing and witty dialogue and There will be blood was fantastic, yet neither won. Even more astonishing are the more deserving movies that were not even nominated, such as: Gone Baby Gone, The Mist, The Assassination of Jesse James, and Grindhouse. All phenomenal and all forgotten. Fuck you Academy! Maybe next year you’ll get it right (but probably not). What the fuck!

The owner/coach/player of a American Basketball Association team must whip himself and his teammates into shape to make it to the NBA.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Have you always wanted to see Will Ferrel yell motherfucker and cocksucker? Then this is the movie for you. Its just like most of his movies except a little bit cooler because of all the profanity. Once again, Will Ferrel plays an idiot with an oversized ego. He is surrounded by the usual set of character actors, who as always, help to make the movie better than it deserves to be. One nice addition was Woody Harrelson. I can’t figure out why this guy is not in more movies. He’s always great and he’s no different here.

While not as good as Anchorman or Talladega Nights, Semi - Pro is definitely more enjoyable than last years Blades of Glory. The only thing this flick was missing was gratuitous nudity. If your looking for a few laughs, you could do a lot worse.

True Dudes gives Semi Pro 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

COMING SOON ON DVD FOR MAR. 4TH

Army of the Dead:
Director: Joseph Counti
College students must fight an undead army after releasing an ancient curse.
“I don’t fucking know…it’s kind of a cool concept.”

Carver:
Director: Franklin Guerrero Jr.
Young campers are terrorized by redneck snuff filmmakers.
“Looks like a Hostel rip off”

Fastback:
Director: Francis Kilduff
Teenage poon-hound inherits a haunted car that punishes him for fucking in the back seat.”
“Sounds interesting.”

Forever Dead:
Director: Christine Parker
Infected rabbit turns people into zombies.
“Who knows?!”

The Fun Park:
Director: Rick Walker
Psycho clown hacks up teenagers after they sneak into an abandoned amusement park.
“It’s a really bad week for new DVDs!”

Into the Wild:
Director: Sean Penn Starring: Vince Vaughn, Emile Hirsch
After graduating high school a young man gives away all his money and runs away to Alaska. Along the way he meets people who change his out look on life. Based on true events.
“Although I think its sounds pretentious and terrible, this has a really good cast.”

Left for Dead:
Director: Albert Pyun
Murderous psycho fights female gunslinger in this horror/western.
“Pretty fucking stoked to see this. I love the concept of a horror/western.”

Mega Snake:
Director: Tibor Takacs
Giant fucking snake attacks the town carnival in this Sci-Fi Channel original movie.
“I’m a sucker for Sci-Fi original movies, although, it probably sucks.”

Satan’s Whip:
Director: Jason Maran
A priest enlist the help of a young woman to help capture a man possessed by Satan.
“This actually looks fucking crazy. Lot’s of gore and nudity.”

Suburban Sasquatch:
Director: Dave Wascavage
Bigfoot rips the shit out of a small suburban community.
“This looks like total fucking garbage. Sorry, Bigfoot!”

If you would like to purchase any of these DVD’s go to the TDR Shop.

I’ll Kill You…I’ll Bury You…I’ll Spit on Your Grave Too! - 2007
Director: Thomas R. Koba

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
A group of college students venture out to the country to check out the location of a of a future research center/ farm, which also happens to be the location of a grisly murder 25 years earlier. The college kids get to farm and learn all about the bullshit legend that comes with it. It seems the property was once owned by Elmo McFloyd. Elmo died while his son Roger was off fighting in Vietnam. When Roger got back he was pissed to find out that the property was sold to the college by his uncle, and Roger disappeared after that.
One night the uncle and his mistress were chopped up with a chainsaw, then shortly after that some college kids were killed. (I just wanna make clear that all of this is summed up pretty quick in a short monologue by the shitty actor that kind of looks like the dad from Family Ties. And that they never really come back to put any emphasis on any of these plot points through out the movie.) The next day two of the college girls are confronted by the pissed-off sheriff who explains his extreme hatred for college kids. Shortly after that the college kids start getting whacked by a guy wearing army fatigues (hint, hint) and one of those shitty bag-masks.
Earlier in the film, one of the college girls randomly fucked a gas station attendant. The gas station attendant became smitten with the little college slut and decide to go looking after her. He has a run in with the sheriff who informs him that the college farm is private property belonging to some guy called Preston. Gas boy goes to Preston to find out what’s going on. Preston is a wheelchair-bound alcoholic with a picture of himself in Vietnam garb. Preston gives him a map of the farm and sends him on his way.
He finds two of the college students still alive at the farm. As they try to escape they run into the sheriff who places them under arrest and throws them into the back of an ice cream truck which is doubling as a paddy wagon. The masked killer knocks out the sheriff and subdues the others. When they come to, they see that the killer is in fact Preston. The sheriff comes in and cracks the case, discovering that Preston is Roger Mc Floyd. The sheriff is killed giving the group a chance to get away. They get the killer on to a wood chipper and run him through, it turning his flesh and bones into human mulch.
First off this has nothing to do at all with the 1977 sleaze-fest, I Spit on your Grave. This is total Z-grade schlock at it’s finest. Often, I feel a small amount of guilt giving some low budget films negative reviews when they appear to have the potential to be good movies but just didn’t have the budget. That’s however not the case with this cinematic shit storm. It’s actually kind of scary, based solely on the fact that the film makers apparently don’t realize how completely fucking sleazy a film there making. You kind of get the feeling watching this that the film makers got bored of making amateur porn films one day and decided to try their hand at making a horror movie. This movie is like having someone rip out both of your eyes then having them shit in one socket and piss in the other. I need a drink.
Disc is from Eden Entertainment (Robo Vampire, Cannibal Hookers). The disc offers no special features. In fact, it doesn’t even have a fucking menu. Oh, and you can’t flip from scene to scene. My guess is the class acts over at Eden Entertainment intentionally did this to give it that cool, retro VHS feel.

If you like this review and would like to purchase the DVD go to the TDR Shop.

True Dudes gives I’ll Kill You…I’ll Bury You…I’ll Spit on Your Grave Too! 0 out of 5 middle finger.

A trouble maker at a new school appoints himself the student body therapist.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Charlie Bartlett badly wants to be a John Hughes movie with a little bit of Pump Up The Volume on the side, and it almost is. Almost. But, it’s never quite as good as it wants to be. At times, I thought Charlie should mind his own fucking business. Why the hell do all these kids want to tell him their deepest, darkest fears? Don’t any of them have real friends? But faulting this movie for it’s far fetched plot is like saying Ferris Bueller’s Day Off just wasn’t realistic enough.

All things aside, I liked this film. It had the whole teen rebellion vibe going for it and that’s cool. The actors all do a good job and the script is occasionally funny and witty. I especially liked Tyler Hilton as Charlie’s drug dealing, punk rock friend and Kat Dennings as Charlie’s girlfriend. While it may not deserve a place next to The Breakfast Club, its still worth checking out.

True Dudes gives Charlie Bartlett 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON FEB. 29TH

SEMI PRO:

The owner/coach/player of a American Basketball Association team must whip himself and his teammates into shape to make it to the NBA.

Starring: Will Ferrel, Woody Harrelson, and Andre Benjamin

“Same Actor, same movie, different sport.  But, since it has Will Ferrel and an R rating it will probably be good for a laugh.”

THE OTHER BOLEYN GIRL:

Two sisters fight for the affections of King Henry VIII.

Starring: Eric Bana, Natalie Portman, and Scarlett Johansson

“Another boring period piece.  Does anyone actually like these movies?”

PENELOPE: (LIMITED)

A modern day princess is born with a pig’s snout and the curse can only be broken when she finds true love.”

Starring: Christina Ricci, James McAvoy, and Reese Witherspoon

“Looks like crap for the whole family.”

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #4

This one is for the movie going public. FUCK YOU! You assholes ruin everything thats great about the theater. You fuckers show up late, you talk on your cell phones, (and even if you’re not talking you still pull it out and the little fucking light comes on and distracts the hell out of everybody) you eat popcorn (loudly), and worst of all you bring your fucking kids to R rated movies. Stay home idiots. Stop ruining it for everyone else. Turn your fucking cell phone off for two hours. You’re not the President for christs sake! You don’t need to be available 24 hours a day. And if you do, fuck off and stop coming to the movies. By the way, have any of you ever heard about eating with your fat mouths closed. All I can hear is the crunch of popcorn and the sound of your ass getting fatter. Lastly, if you can’t get a babysitter and you want to see a movie for adults, too fucking bad. You fuckers are all like the Brady Bunch, you have 10 fucking kids running around the theater screaming and playing hide and seek. The movies are expensive now days and most of you just come and fuck around. Now keep in mind I’m not talking about everyone here. Just about 99.9% of you. What the Fuck!

5 different points of view intersect during an attempted presidential assassination.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

The best way to describe this movie is exciting, tense, and a little predictable. The whole movie takes place in the span of 20 minutes, which we see 5 different times from different points of view. I thought the premise was cool and really added something to a film that could have otherwise been just a straight forward action thriller.

The ending does get slightly predicatable and the twist is nowhere near as shocking as the filmmakers obviously thought it would be. However, the film is fast paced and tightly constructed. The entire cast turns in decent performances. Even with many story lines intersecting and limited (at best) charactor development the film remains enjoyable and confusion free.

True Dudes gives Vantage Point 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

COMING SOON ON DVD FOR FEB. 26TH

30 Days of Night:

Fucked up vampires run amuck in a small Alaskan town after it’s hit with a month of darkness.

Starring: Josh Hartnett Director: David Slade (Hard Candy)

“I heard this kind of sucked. A little bit slow and boring. Sort of like the Dairy of Anne Frank with vampires.”

Darjeeling Limited:

Three brothers go on a spiritual journey across India.

Starring: Owen Wilson, Adrien Brody, Jason Schwartzman Director: Wes Anderson (The Royal Tenebaums, The Life Aquatic with Steve Zissou)

“Really fucking good! Highly recommended.”

The Rage:

Batshit crazy scientist new virus is passed on from dead test subjects to vultures who go insane and spread the virus.

Starring: Reggie Bannister Director: Robert Kurtzman

“This looks like it’s gonna be one fucking awesome low budget splatterfest.”

Beowulf:

Warrior Beowulf has to fight crazy monster Grendel.

Starring: Ray Winstone, Anthony Hopkins, Crispin Glover Director: Robert Zemeckis

“I hate movies like this. I heard it’s ok. Looks like boring CG bullshit to me.”

Bone Dry:

A man is forced at gunpoint to do all kinds of fucked up shit in the Mojave desert by a sadistic madman.

Starring: Lance Henriksen, Luke Gross Director: Brett A. Hart

“I’ve read a lot of positive things about this. Sounds good.”

The Giallo Collection:

Who saw Her Die?, Short Night of Glass Dolls, Case of the Bloody Iris, Bloodstained Shadow - A collection of classic giallo films.

“If your a fan of Giallo films this is defiantly worth checking out.”

The Living Dead at Manchester Morgue a.k.a. Let Sleeping Corpses Lie:

Area is crop-dusted with an experimental agricultural growth hormone which causes the dead to rise from their graves.

Starring: Cristina Galbo, Ray Lovelock Director: Jorge Grau

“This is a fucking awesome zombie movie. Blue Underground is reissuing this in a two disc special edition. Recommended.”

If you would like to purchase any of these DVD’s go to the TDR Shop.

A father tells his daughter about his previous relationships with women.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

A predictable, lightweight, yet occasionally charming romantic comedy. Ryan Reynolds stars as Will Hayes a single father with relationship problems. He can’t decide who he loves more, Elizabeth Banks, Rachel Weisz, or Isla Fisher. So, he fucks all three of them. Poor Will.

Ryan Reynolds does a good job as the lead. His charm went a long way to keep me from hating this movie. The three females leads also do a nice job. The biggest problem comes from Abigal Breslin, who plays Reynold’s daughter. Her over acting and terrible delivery almost undo the film. Thankfully, her role is kept to a minimum. Over all, it’s not a bad date movie. There are worse things you could do with your wife or girlfriend to try to get laid.

True Dudes gives Definitely, Maybe 2 out of 5 middle fingers.