COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JULY 1ST (A TUES. OPENING)

Let’s be realistic.  There’s only one movie coming out that’s worth mentioning.

HANCOCK:

An apathetic, hard-living superhero who has fallen out of favor with the public is approached by a public relations professional who has ideas as to how he can repair his client’s image.

Starring: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman

“The big question is will this open big?  There is a definite lack of awareness and hype and word has it that it was a hard fight for the PG-13 rating.  However, it looks badass and Will Smith hasn’t had a flop in almost 10 years.  Early reviews are comparing it to The Last Action Hero.  While to some that may be bad news, I say bring it on motherfuckers.  I can’t wait.”

USA Weekend Box-Office Summary

Week of 27 June 2008

Rank / Title / Weekend / Gross

1  WALL·E (2008) $62.5M $62.5M
2  Wanted (2008) $51.1M $51.1M
3  Get Smart (2008) $20M $77.3M
4  Kung Fu Panda (2008) $11.7M $179M
5  The Incredible Hulk (2008) $9.23M $116M
6  The Love Guru (2008) $5.44M $25.3M
7  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) $5.03M $300M
8  The Happening (2008) $3.85M $59.1M
9  Sex and the City (2008) $3.77M $140M
10  You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008) $3.2M $91.2M

Everyone knew Wall-e was going to be #1.  The big surprise is Wanted.  50 million is a huge opening and super unexpected.  Good reviews and word of mouth must have really helped.  Get Smart hangs on nicely as well, barely dropping.  And Indy 4 finally crossed the 300 million mark.  If it continues to hang on it could out gross Iron Man.

Wesley Gibson is rescued from his miserable existence by the gun-toting Fox, a member of the Fraternity, a group of assassins to which Wesley’s recently murdered father belonged. As their new recruit, Wesley learns he’s truly a chip off the old block as he is trained by Fox and the Fraternity’s leader, Sloan — but what secrets are they hiding?
 
TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
 
Fuck this movie is cool!  It’s original, unexpected, and totally badass.  The tone of the film was like a cross between Fight Club and The Matrix.
 
I did not expect to like Wanted.  What a surprise!  I loved it!  It’s extremly fast paced and very violent.  A total blast from start to finish.  The entire cast does a great job.  I’ve never really been a big fan of lead James McAvoy, but that has all changed.  He was great in the role.  McAvoy really made the character relatable.  And as always, Angelina Jolie was sexy as hell.  The rest of the supporting cast was just as good.  The plot was exciting and not at all predictable.  I highly recommend giving Wanted a chance.
 
True Dudes Reviews gives Wanted 4 out of 5 middle fingers.

Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 for CONTROL, battles the forces of KAOS with the more-competent Agent 99 at his side.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Another goofy 60’s t.v. show gets modernized for the big screen.  And the results are…goofy, and a bit more family friendly than you might expect.  While not exactly a laugh a minute, parts are definitely chuckle worthy and overall the film is fairly entertaining.

The cast is a bit of a mixed bag.  While everyone does a good job, I found Steve Carell’s Maxwell Smart a little bland.  Also bland was Alan Arkin’s Chief.  It’s not that they didn’t have anything to do, they were two of the main characters.  I just didn’t feel that invested in them.  Anne Hathaway on the other hand, as the third lead, was highly credible and easily the sexiest she has ever been.  Co-stars Dwayne Johnson (AKA The Rock), David Koechner, and Terry Crews all surprised as well.  They provided most of the laugh out loud moments.  Possibly the high point of the film was the action scenes.  They were surprisingly a plenty and robustly staged and executed.  While not a great movie by any means, Get Smart is a lightweight, but fun diversion.

True Dudes gives Get Smart 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

Pitka an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player whose wife left him for a rival athlete.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Let’s face it.  Mike Myers has been doing the same tired shtick for years.  The Love Guru is more of the same boring shit filled with Myers’ trademark broad characterizations and silly accents.  I haven’t actually liked anything Mike Myers has done since So I Married An Axe Murderer and I was hoping The Love Guru would be his return to form.  Boy, was I fucking mistaken.
The Love Guru is essentially laugh free.  Ten minutes into this wretched mess I knew I was in for a terrible time.  Perhaps, if  I was retarded, this could have been a fun film.  But, I’m not and it wasn’t.  For starters, the film makes absolutely zero sense.  At first I thought I was just having trouble following the plot, but then I realized that there was no fucking plot.  Mike Myers and all his co-stars do a horrible job.  Only Jessica Alba and Megan Fox come away with any dignity and that’s because they are only in the movie for a short time.  All they were required to do was look hot and they, not surprisingly,  pull it off.  The script is lame and stupid.  It’s nothing more than the same jokes repeated over and over again.  And most of the jokes haven’t been funny since I was in the sixth grade anyway.  That’s exactly who this film was made for, sixth graders.  Twelve and thirteen year old boys will probably get a kick out of the sexual humor and some of it may even be new to them.  All others are advised to steer clear of this unfunny piece of shit.

True Dudes gives The Love Guru 1 out of 5 middle fingers.

 USA Weekend Box-Office Summary

Week of 13 June 2008

Rank / Title / Weekend / Gross

1  The Incredible Hulk (2008) $55.4M $55.4M
2  Kung Fu Panda (2008) $33.6M $117M
3  The Happening (2008) $30.5M $30.5M
4  You Don’t Mess with the Zohan (2008) $16.4M $68.8M
5  Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) $14.7M $277M
6  Sex and the City (2008) $9.79M $120M
7  Iron Man (2008) $5.62M $298M
8  The Strangers (2008) $4.02M $45.3M
9  The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian (2008) $3.17M $132M
10  What Happens in Vegas… (2008) $1.67M $75.8M

Well, maybe The Incredible Hulk didn’t open as big as Lee’s did, but I’ll bet it doesn’t take a 75% hit next week.  On the other hand I’ll bet that The Happening does.  How the hell a movie like that opens to 30 million I’ll never know.

COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JUNE 20TH:
 
GET SMART:
 
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 for CONTROL, battles the forces of KAOS with the more-competent Agent 99 at his side.
 
Starring:  Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, and Alan Arkin
 
“Not only does this look hilarious, but I’ve never seen Anne Hathaway look hotter”.
 
THE LOVE GURU:
 
Pitka, an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player whose wife left him for a rival lover before the NHL Stanley Cup.
 
Starring:  Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, and Romany Malco
 
“This looks like it could be funny and it has a nice supporting cast, but I’m kind of over Mike Myers.  He just hasn’t been funny in years”.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #17

M. Night Shyamalan has lost his fucking mind!  What other reason could there be for The Crappening, I mean The Happening?  How the hell do you go from the directorial trifecta of The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs, to the directorial triFUCKta of The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening?  At first it seemed Shyamalan’s film’s could only get better.  Now I’m wondering if they can get any worse.  The Happening supposedly cost almost 60 million to make, but it sure doesn’t look like it.  I’ve seen Troma movies that look 10 times better for 20 times less.  And apparently M. NIght wrote the script (which is fucking horrible) with Mark Wahlberg in mind, except Wahlberg is laughably miscast (as is almost the entire rest of the cast).  Filled with unintentionally hilarious dialouge (”we must outrun run the wind”), The Happening is a complete disaster.  What the fuck M. NIght Shyamaln?  If this isn’t your last movie, it fucking should be.  At least until you can come up with another good idea.

A family is on the run after natural disaster threatens the entire planet.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Good intentions and an intriguing idea do little to save this god awful eco-thriller.  Director M. NIght Shyamalan makes what is easily his worst film to date ( and that’s saying something because The Village was fucking terrible).  The acting is bad, the script is bad, and I was bored to tears.  I fucking hated this movie so much, I would rather cut my dick off than sit through it again (o.k. maybe I’ve gone a little too far).

Don’t get me wrong, I want to help the environment too, but this is not the way.  Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, and John Leguizamo all give absolutely shitty performances.  They deliver their lines like they know this movie sucks and they just want to go home.  Not that it’s all their fault.  With the script they had to work with, there was not too much that they could do.  The dialouge is so fucking corny and obvious I could not stop rolling my eyes.  The Happening is almost so bad it’s good, but not quite.  It’s just so bad, it’s bad.

True Dudes Reviews gives The Happening 1 out of 5 middle fingers and a big FUCK YOU.

Fugitive Dr. Bruce Banner must utilize the genetic accident that transforms him into a giant, rampaging hulk to stop a former soldier that purposely becomes an even more dangerous version.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Let’s start by pretending that the Ang Lee version never happened.  It’s not that I thought Ang Lee’s Hulk was the worst film ever.  But it definitely was not the movie that I wanted it to be.  Louis Leterrier’s version however, is exactly what I wanted. It’s action packed and brutal.  The acting is excellant and the story is fast paced, yet filled with great characterization.
For starters, Edward Norton and Zack Penn’s script is ten times more action packed than Lee’s version ever wanted to be.  And the action is well staged and shockingly violent.  The romace angle is surpringly poignant and adds alot of depth to the story.  Gone is the giant, green cartoon bouncing from destination to destination.  In its place is a brooding, killing machine.  Edward Norton plays Banner with just the right amount of strength and fear and Liv Tyler plays Betty Ross as a strong, yet vunerable woman, who believes that even when Banner is the Hulk, a part of him still exists.  And finally,  Tim Roth as the Abomination, is meaner and scarier than ever.  He’s performance shows how easy it would be for even a good man to be corrupted by power.  Overall, The Incredible Hulk was awesome.  I think I liked it even better than Iron Man ( which is also awesome).  Not only is The Incredible Hulk have more action than Iron Man.  But the action is a little more hardcore.  Also, The Incredible Hulk’s roamce helps make the characters seems more human and therefore easier to relate to.

True Dudes Reviews gives The Incredible Hulk 4 out of 5 middle fingers.