Published on July 8, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JULY 11TH:
HELL BOY 2: THE GOLDEN ARMY:
When the mythical world engages their campaign to take over the Earth, the U.S. government reaches out to the only department staffed to handle the potential catastrophe: The Bureau for Paranormal Research, who once again turns to the demon hero Hellboy and his teammates to stop a merciless dictator from carrying out his plan.
Starring: Ron Perlman, Selma Blair, and Doug Jones
“This is one of my most anticipated films of the year. Del Toro is a great director and this movie is going to rock!”
JOURNEY TO THE CENTER OF THE EARTH:
A geologist on a special mission with his son discovers the entrance into a previously unseen world.
Starring: Brendan Fraser, and Josh Hutcherson
“This looks like it’s going to be a stupid kiddie flick, but if the 3D is good I’ll see it anyway.”
MEET DAVE:
Tiny aliens pilot a spacecraft that takes the form of a human, while the captain of the ship jeopardizes his crew and their mission to save their planet when he falls for beautiful earthling.
Starring: Eddie Murphy, and Elizabeth Banks
“More unbelievably terrible shit from Eddie Murphy. And what the hell is Elizabeth Banks doing in a film like this? I guess the high cost of gas is hurting every bodies pocket books. Let’s hope Eddie makes amends with his upcoming and R rated Beverly Hills Cop 4.”
Published on June 30, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JULY 1ST (A TUES. OPENING)
Let’s be realistic. There’s only one movie coming out that’s worth mentioning.
HANCOCK:
An apathetic, hard-living superhero who has fallen out of favor with the public is approached by a public relations professional who has ideas as to how he can repair his client’s image.
Starring: Will Smith, Charlize Theron, and Jason Bateman
“The big question is will this open big? There is a definite lack of awareness and hype and word has it that it was a hard fight for the PG-13 rating. However, it looks badass and Will Smith hasn’t had a flop in almost 10 years. Early reviews are comparing it to The Last Action Hero. While to some that may be bad news, I say bring it on motherfuckers. I can’t wait.”
Published on June 17, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JUNE 20TH:
GET SMART:
Maxwell Smart, Agent 86 for CONTROL, battles the forces of KAOS with the more-competent Agent 99 at his side.
Starring: Steve Carell, Anne Hathaway, and Alan Arkin
“Not only does this look hilarious, but I’ve never seen Anne Hathaway look hotter”.
THE LOVE GURU:
Pitka, an American raised outside of his country by gurus, returns to the States in order to break into the self-help business. His first challenge: To settle the romantic troubles and subsequent professional skid of a star hockey player whose wife left him for a rival lover before the NHL Stanley Cup.
Starring: Mike Myers, Jessica Alba, and Romany Malco
“This looks like it could be funny and it has a nice supporting cast, but I’m kind of over Mike Myers. He just hasn’t been funny in years”.
Published on June 9, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JUNE 13TH:
THE INCREDIBLE HULK:
Geneticist Bruce Banner takes flight in order to understand and hopefully cure the condition that turns him into a monster. Complicating his situation is the military initiative that wants him captured and controlled, as well as the arrival of a more-deadly nemesis: The Abomination.
Starring: Edward Norton, Liv Tyler, and Tim Roth
“Over the past week awareness of this film has skyrocketed. It’s easy to see why. It looks awesome and has a great cast. Hopefully, the director ( Louis Leterrier, of The Transporter films) will keep the boring and bouncing Hulk from Ang Lee’s film missing from this action packed looking version”.
THE HAPPENING:
A family is on the run after natural disaster threatens the entire planet.
Starring: Mark Wahlberg, Zooey Deschanel, and John Leguizamo
“So far, word of mouth for this film is poison. It’s being called M. Night Shyamalan’s worst yet. And if that’s true he may be going away to director’s jail for a while. On the brighter side, at least the film looks good and with Wahlberg starring it may be able to score a decent opening weekend.”
Published on June 5, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON JUNE 6TH:
YOU DON’T MESS WITH THE ZOHAN:
A Mossad agent orchestrates a scenario that will allow him to move to New York City and reinvent himself as a hairstylist.
Starring: Adam Sandler, John Turturro, and Emmanuelle Chriqui
“This Adam Sandler vehicle looks like absolute shit. But, it was co-written and produced by Judd Apatow, so there is still hope.”
KUNG FU PANDA:
Po, a reluctant panda bear, is recruited by a team of Kung Fu masters and trained in the ways of the ancient martial art in order to protect the Valley of Peace from an evil snow leopard.
Starring: Jack Black, Ian McShane, and Angelina Jolie
“A kiddie comedy with better than average voice talent. It probably still sucks.”
THE PROMOTION:
Dueling assistant managers of a local grocery store vie for a coveted promotion to manage the bigger, fancier store soon to be opened by their corporate employers.
Starring: Seann William Scott and John C. Reilly
“This is supposed to be the breakout indie hit of 2008. It looks funny and is getting great reviews.”
Published on May 28, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON MAY 30TH:
SEX AND THE CITY:
Set four years after we last saw the ladies, Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte negotiate their friendships, romances, and careers in New York City. At the center of it all is Carrie’s pending nuptials to Mr. Big.
Starring: Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, and Cynthia Nixon
“I never watched this shit when it was on HBO and I won’t be watching it now. “
THE STRANGERS:
A couple cozied up in a vacation home are terrorized by three unknown assailants.
Starring: Liv Tyler and Scott Speedman
“This one looks scary as hell. Lets hope it lives up to the promise of the trailer.”
THE FOOT FIST WAY:
A down-and-out Tae Kwon Do instructor looks to turn his life around by going on a pilgrimage with his buddy and two of his students to see his hero, the martial arts legend Chuck “The Truck” Wallace, at a kung-fu convention.
Starring: Danny McBride
“A while ago we showed you this trailer and you almost pissed your pants laughing. If you see the movie you might just shit your pants it’s so fucking cool.”
Published on May 20, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON MAY 23RD:
INDIANA JONES AND THE KINGDOM OF THE CRYSTAL SKULL (MAY 22ND):
Famed archaeologist/adventurer Dr. Henry “Indiana” Jones is called back into action to stop a Soviet plot to uncover and use ancient artifacts in order to take over the world.
Starring: Harrison Ford, Cate Blanchett, and Shia LaBeouf
“If you aren’t excited for this movie you’re probably dead. Likely to be the highest grossing film of the year, Indy 4 looks great and is going to be a fun time at the movies.”
POSTAL (LIMITED):
In the ironically named city of Paradise, a recently laid-off loser teams up with his cult-leading uncle to steal a peculiar bounty of riches from their local amusement park; somehow, the recently arrived Taliban have a similar focus, but a far more sinister intent.
Starring: Dave Foley and Verne Troyer
“From universally hated director, Uwe Boll comes an insane looking piece of cinematic shit. Supposedly it’s all tongue in cheek, but who the hell can tell if anything in a Uwe Boll movie is intentionally hunerous.”
Published on May 14, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON MAY 16TH
THE CHRONICLES OF NARNIA: PRINCE CASPIAN
The Pevensie children return to Narnia one year after their first adventure in the magical land. Soon after entering the kingdom, however, they learn that 1,000 years has passed here, and all is not well since an evil king ascended to the throne. The children and allies both old and new band together to help restore the kingdom to its rightful heir, Prince Caspian.
Starring: Ben Barnes, Skandar Keynes, Georgie Henley
“Will this Jesus fantasy sequel out gross its predecessor? Can the Holy Lion save the day again? Can the British Children’s God Squad defeat evil? Does anyone care? The first one was mostly decent and this just looks like more of the same.”
Published on May 13, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO DVD FOR MAY 13th.
Frontier(s) (2007)
After escaping the violent aftermath of a political election. A gang of young thieves hide out in an Inn run by Neo-Nazis.
“With its NC-17 rating for extreme sadistic graphic violence and gore, this title certainly has my attention. It looks bloody as hell and has the high contrast, hand-held shaky camera look and feel. Recommended to fans who enjoy this modern day, “edge of you seat”, format of Horror/Gore.”
Writer/Director: Xavier Gens
Official Website: www.frontiersunrated.com
Published on May 5, 2008 by admin
COMING SOON TO A THEATER NEAR YOU ON MAY 9TH:
SPEED RACER:
Speed Racer, a skilled young car driver who belongs to a family of gearheads, is blackmailed by the head of the nefarious corporation Royalton Industries to participate in The Crucible — the annual cross-country rally that claimed his brother’s life years ago. Behind the wheel of the Mach 5, his father’s greatest invention, Speed goes head-to-head with his chief rival, the mysterious-yet-familiar Racer X.
Starring: Emile Hirsch, Matthew Fox, Christina Ricci, and John Goodman
“From the makers of the Matrix trilogy comes a trippy family film based on an old cartoon. Sounds like a recipe for disaster. However, I think it looks intersesting and wacky enough to work. The insane visuals may at least hold my interest if the story doesn’t. While this may go down as the biggest flop of the summer, I’m looking forward to it.”
WHAT HAPPENS IN VEGAS:
Joy and Jack meet while on a Las Vegas bender, where their drunken nuptials are only part of a larger problem: What to do when Jack wins $3 million with Joy’s quarter, and they are forced to spend six months as wife and husband if they are to see a penny of their winnings.
Starring: Ashton Kutcher and Cameron Diaz
“Generic and mostly terrible looking. I can’t think of the last movie that I liked either one of these actors in.”