Neon Maniacs - 1986
Director: Joseph Mangine

Late one night in the mid -1980s, a group of high school kids went out to party in a shitty park some where in San Francisco. Little did the kids know that they were partying on Neon Maniac turf. The Neon Maniacs are a brutal group of underground mutant punks that come out every night (weather permitting) to rip the shit out of humans in the Bay area. So, all the kids in the party are slaughtered except for Natalie. The police don’t believe Natalie’s story because the Neon Maniacs removed all the evidence from the scene of the crime. Luckily for Natalie, Paula, who’s kind of like a horror obsessed Nancy Drew, receives info about the disappearance of the teenagers and goes to investigate.
All the while, Natalie is being harassed because people think that she just came up with some bullshit story about the monsters killing her friends. Natalie is comforted by her socially inept, romantic interest Steven. Steven takes Natalie out on a date to take her mind off of things. But, the Neon Maniacs want to take care of her once and for all and almost get them after highjacking their subway car, then attacking them on a city bus. The next morning Paula informs them that water is only way to take the Maniacs down.
Steve realizes that the Maniacs will probably plan their next attack conveniently on the same night of the Battle of the Bands that he’s organizing. Armed with squirt guns and two fucking awful rock bands (one of which is fronted by Steven), they’re totally ready to wipe out the Maniacs. Before long the Maniacs try to crash the party once again. But clever little Paula puts the kibosh on their slaughtering shenanigans quicker than you can say “shittiest fuckin’ movie ever” by turning the fire hose on the Maniacs. After the the police interrogate the kids about what happened at the party, they decide to raid the Maniacs purported hideout. They find no trace of the homicidal fiends. Of course when the main detective goes back for a second look around, they get him with the old meat hook through the throat gag.
This is sorta like an extremely low-budget version of Clive Barker’s Nightbreed had it been adapted by retarded people. Really, the script makes no fucking sense, and I was kinda of pissed that they never gave any kind of back story about why there are mutant killers living under the Golden Gate bridge. And the whole thing about water killing them is such a weak, fucking copout. They shoulda taken the time to come up with a creative way to destroy the mutants. I was surpised to find that director, Joseph Mangine, was the cinematographer for such b movie classics as Alligator 1&2, Mother’s Day, Squirm and I Drink You Blood. This would be a perfect movie for when you’re about five or six beers deep and know that your friends are gonna be talking and making fun of the movie during it’s entire duration.
DVD is from Anchor Bay. Special features include one theatrical trailer.

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True Dudes gives Neon Maniacs 1 out of 5 middle fingers.

Cannonball - 1976
Director: Paul Bartel

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
Coy “Cannonball” Buckman (David Carradine), competes head-to-head with outlaw racers in an underground race from L.A. to New York for a shot at one hundred thousand dollars. There are no rules in this race, which is taken full advantage of by Cannonball’s main competition, Cade Redman (Bill McKinny). Cannonballs amoral brother (played by b-movie great Dick Miller) has some big money riding on the race and will do anything to make sure his brother crosses the finish line first. It’s up to Cannonball to get himself and his Trans Am across the finish line in one piece.
Cannonball is total fucking low budget, high-octane mayhem. Bad ass cars, fights and crashes make this one hell of an entertaining flick. Bartel filmed this bad mother a year after doing Death Race 2000. Most of the actors in Cannonball were also in Death Race. This movie has one of the most impressive casts ever assembled in b-movie history (David Carradine, Dick Miller, Mary Woronov, Gerrit Graham, Robert Carradine also small cameos from Joe Dante, Sylvester Stallone, Roger Corman, Martin Scorsese and Allan Arkush). Not to mention, Bill Mckinney is fucking awesome as the homicidal hotrodder. I’d take this over Death Proof any day.
The DVD is from Blue Underground. Extras include poster gallery, trailer, TV spots and the retrospective “Kicks and Crashes”.

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True Dudes gives Cannonball 4 out of 5 middle fingers.

Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry - 1974
Director: John Hough

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS:
Aspiring race car driver, Larry (Peter Fonda), needs to come up with some extra scratch so he can buy a real race car to compete in some real races. Larry, in typical hotheaded outlaw style, Larry decides to just steal the damn money. So, with the help of his mechanic Deke (Adam Roarke), they devise a scheme to knock off a supermarket. Upon leaving the supermarket with the cash Larry discovers a scorned stowaway Mary (Susan George) sitting shotgun. Mary is the vexed result of a one night stand that didn’t get a “good bye” from Larry in the morning. Mary, looking for action, decides to go along for the ride. It’s not long until the supermarket owner (Roddy McDowell) informs the police of the robbery. The police enlist the help of hillbilly shitkicker Captain Franklin (Vic Morrow) to help take ‘em down. Larry, Deke and Mary have to haul ass down south before Franklin catches up with them.
Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry is pure enertainment from start to finish. The four main stars (Fonda, Roarke, George, Morrow) all have a great chemistry that really pulls you right in. Adam Roarke really stands out as the levelheaded Deke oppisite the reckless Larry. The car chases and crashes aren’t the most amazing or spectactular ever filmed, but they are still extremely impresive nonetheless having not been alterd by computers. The end is fucking insane– didn’t see that one coming.
The disc is from Anchor Bay and is loaded with extras, the most impressive being the thirty minute retrospective documentary “Ride the Wild Side”. It also includes a commentary track, trailers, TV spots, radio spots, talent bios and a poster and stills gallery. And to top it all off it has an original commercial for the 1969 Dodge Charger.

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True Dudes gives Dirty Mary, Crazy Larry 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

Bikini Drive-In - 1995
Director: Fred Olen Ray

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
After her grandpa kicks the bucket, teenage party girl Kim inherits a run-down drive-in theater. Seems that, despite her grandfather’s love of the drive-in, he didn’t really have a knack for drawling large crowds (he only played wholesome, G-rated pictures). Kim discovers that the bank is about to foreclose on the theater in a week if they don’t come up with $25,000. This also happens to piss off overbearing businessman J. B. Winston (played by exploitation, forefather David F. Friedman), who wants the drive-in land as part of his proposed super-mall. J. B. sends his son, Bryan, to help renegotaite the deal. Unfortunately, for J. B., Bryan is very sympathetic towards Kim’s situation and decides to help her out. Bryan devises a plan to have an exploitation triple feature, drive-in weekend party extravaganza. Of course J. B. is outraged by this and tries everything he can to stop the drive-in from raising the money. J. B. and his goons try to thwart the good intentions of Kim and Bryan, but they are no match against bikini-clad go-go dancers, psycho movie patrons, a scream queen (Michelle Boer), some dude in a monster costume, and a whip-toting dominatrix.
Despite it’s completely, cookie-cutter premise, Bikini Drive-In really stands out ahead from all the other “Bikini” films of that era. This of course has a lot to do with Fred Olen Rays great sense of humor and attention to detail (ridiculous faux drive-in previews like “Gator Babes’”, authentic drive-in era movie poster decorations, a Forrest J. Ackerman cameo and a scene in which Kim talks to her dead grandfather’s picture, which it’s none other than the late John Carradine. Dave Friedman was also a perfect choice to play the role of the sleazy, business guy (drive-in era exploitation wouldn’t mean shit if wasn’t for that old trailblazer). Fred Olen Rays genuine fondness of the once-loved drive-in theater really comes through and makes this a fun, kindhearted movie.
DVD is from Seville Pictures and offers no special features.

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True Dudes gives Bikini Drive-In 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

I’ll Kill You…I’ll Bury You…I’ll Spit on Your Grave Too! - 2007
Director: Thomas R. Koba

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
A group of college students venture out to the country to check out the location of a of a future research center/ farm, which also happens to be the location of a grisly murder 25 years earlier. The college kids get to farm and learn all about the bullshit legend that comes with it. It seems the property was once owned by Elmo McFloyd. Elmo died while his son Roger was off fighting in Vietnam. When Roger got back he was pissed to find out that the property was sold to the college by his uncle, and Roger disappeared after that.
One night the uncle and his mistress were chopped up with a chainsaw, then shortly after that some college kids were killed. (I just wanna make clear that all of this is summed up pretty quick in a short monologue by the shitty actor that kind of looks like the dad from Family Ties. And that they never really come back to put any emphasis on any of these plot points through out the movie.) The next day two of the college girls are confronted by the pissed-off sheriff who explains his extreme hatred for college kids. Shortly after that the college kids start getting whacked by a guy wearing army fatigues (hint, hint) and one of those shitty bag-masks.
Earlier in the film, one of the college girls randomly fucked a gas station attendant. The gas station attendant became smitten with the little college slut and decide to go looking after her. He has a run in with the sheriff who informs him that the college farm is private property belonging to some guy called Preston. Gas boy goes to Preston to find out what’s going on. Preston is a wheelchair-bound alcoholic with a picture of himself in Vietnam garb. Preston gives him a map of the farm and sends him on his way.
He finds two of the college students still alive at the farm. As they try to escape they run into the sheriff who places them under arrest and throws them into the back of an ice cream truck which is doubling as a paddy wagon. The masked killer knocks out the sheriff and subdues the others. When they come to, they see that the killer is in fact Preston. The sheriff comes in and cracks the case, discovering that Preston is Roger Mc Floyd. The sheriff is killed giving the group a chance to get away. They get the killer on to a wood chipper and run him through, it turning his flesh and bones into human mulch.
First off this has nothing to do at all with the 1977 sleaze-fest, I Spit on your Grave. This is total Z-grade schlock at it’s finest. Often, I feel a small amount of guilt giving some low budget films negative reviews when they appear to have the potential to be good movies but just didn’t have the budget. That’s however not the case with this cinematic shit storm. It’s actually kind of scary, based solely on the fact that the film makers apparently don’t realize how completely fucking sleazy a film there making. You kind of get the feeling watching this that the film makers got bored of making amateur porn films one day and decided to try their hand at making a horror movie. This movie is like having someone rip out both of your eyes then having them shit in one socket and piss in the other. I need a drink.
Disc is from Eden Entertainment (Robo Vampire, Cannibal Hookers). The disc offers no special features. In fact, it doesn’t even have a fucking menu. Oh, and you can’t flip from scene to scene. My guess is the class acts over at Eden Entertainment intentionally did this to give it that cool, retro VHS feel.

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True Dudes gives I’ll Kill You…I’ll Bury You…I’ll Spit on Your Grave Too! 0 out of 5 middle finger.

Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon - 2007
Director: Richard Griffin

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
Dumb shit fuckin’ hillbillies have been dumping toxic waste from a genetic research lab in the local watering hole. A group of young scientists go to check out the toxicity levels in the waters. While collecting some samples, one of the scientist is bitten by a mysterious aquatic entity lurking below the surface. Later, the aforementioned dumb shit fuckin’ hillbillies are ripped to fuckin’ shreds by the country fried creature. The hillbillies’ kin get worried about them and takes to the woods in search of their lost little hilljacks. After finding the their remains and a run-in with the creature, they decide to get the fuck out of the woods. Their paths cross with the young scientists who have just discovered that the bitten scientist is now turning into to a fish man. After discovering that an evil female scientist from the genetics lab is responsible for the bloodthirsty fish men, it’s time to get the fuck away from the water.
This is sort of like an intentionally campy Humanoids from the Deep, kind of a Humanoids from the Deep South. It’s got toxic waste, hillbillies, a shitty looking creature costume, naked chicks and lots of politically incorrect dialogue. So, it pretty much kept my attention for the eighty-five minutes it was on the screen. While it’s got some good points, it’s also got the bad: embarrassing acting, lots of continuity problems and corny fucking dialogue. At least the creature delivers some creative kills–the beer can through the heart was a nice touch.
Disc is from Shock-O-Rama. Extras include a commentary track, deleted scenes and lots of trailers from Shock-O-Rama.

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True Dudes give Creature from the Hillbilly Lagoon 1 out of 5 middle fingers.

Bad Girls from Mars - 1991
Director: Fred Olen Ray

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:
Someone is knocking off every actress who tries to play the Space Queen on the set of the upcoming B-movie Bad Girls in Space. They get the foreign Emmanuelle (Edy Williams–Beyond the Valley of the Dolls, Naked Kiss, Chained Heat) to take over as the newest Space Queen. As production keeps rolling along, the bodies keep piling up. It’s red herrings a-go-go in this low budget who done it.
So, the title is a little bit deceiving. I was expecting some kind of T and A epic in space. However, its more of a medium-paced, B-movie mystery. It’s kind of a mix between Blood and Black Lace and Sex Bomb. The routine plot is kept afloat with raunchy gags, cheeky shenanigans, and lots of nudity: everything you’ve come to expect from director Fred Olen Ray (who has a small roll as a convenience store robber).
Disc is from Lions Gate Entertainment. You get one trailer (Bad Girls from Mars).

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True Dudes gives Bad Girls from Mars 2 out of 5 middle fingers.

The Return of Swamp Thing - 1989
Director: Jim Wynorski

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Leafy super hero Swamp Thing (Dick Durock) is back to go another round with the evil Dr. Anton Arcane (Louis Jourdan), who apparently didn’t die in the first film. Heather Locklear plays Arcane’s ditzy stepdaughter. She visits Arcane seeking closure to her mother’s mysterious passing. Arcane, taken by her beauty and youth, decides she would make a prime candidate for one of his experiments as he tries to obtain eternal youth for himself. Swamp Thing, hip to the mad doctors sinister shenanigans, comes to the rescue.
I liked this way better than Wes Cravens limp-dicked take on Swamp Thing (1982). This has badass mutant/monsters, fun characters, and a fucking sense of humor. Also, Swamp Thing actually looks like a cool superhero and not just some some fucking jerk in a green leotard like he did in the ‘82 version. Wynorskis initiative really comes through, especially with the opening credit sequence. Fun movie.
The Image Enertainment special edition has lots of cool special features: audio commentary from director Jim Wynorski, promo reel, still gallery, six tv spots, and theatrical trailer. You also get two public service announcements from Swamp Thing.
Weird side note: Director Jim Wynorski is one of the featured interviewees in John McCarty’s book The Sleaze Merchants. In it he’s asked what it was like working with Louis Jourdan. Very bluntly, he keeps saying he hates Jourdan. McCarty tries to delve a little deeper as to why the two didn’t get along, and Jim just keeps saying things like “It starred Louis Jourdan, whom I hate,” “Let’s just say I hate him,” “I hate him. That’s all I can tell you.” I always thought that was so fucking awesome and funny to hear a director say that about a stubborn actor. So, when I got the disc I was more than stoked to see there was an audio commentary from Jim. I couldn’t wait to hear what he had to say about Jourdan. However, on the commentary he explains that he thought he was a good actor, a little difficult to work with, but then he says “we got along”(you can hear his voice kind of change as he says it). I was hoping he was gonna call him a “cocksucker” or something. After listening to more of the commentary you can sort of tell that Jim Wynorski is way more professional than that.

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True Dudes gives The Return of Swamp Thing 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

Satanic Yuppies - 1996
Director: Mark Burchett and Michael D. Fox

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Fuckin’ wise ass news reporter, Pete McGavin, is down on his luck trying to find a story that will really get him recognized as the accomplished writer he believes himself to be. Unfortunately, most of his stories seem to focus around Bigfoot, UFO’s and conspiracy theories. Pete’s editor is fed up with his shit and sends him out to interview a local politician. The local politician just so happens to be planinng a big virgin sacrifice to Satan with the help of Brittany Drake, the head of a local advertising agency. Pete slowly begins to get wrapped up in the yuppies ghastly plot to perform the sacred “Bride of Satan” ritual, aritual that will make them super rich and powerful.
It could’ve been way worse. It could’ve not had any nudity, gore FX, or the occasional funny gag here or there. But, then again, with a title like SATANIC YUPPIES it could’ve been way the fuck better! Started out promising, but went down hill pretty fast. It kind of reminded me of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, only this isn’t very funny of clever. However, it does offer two cameos from Bill Hinzman(Night of the Living Dead, the Crazies, FleshEater) and Debbie Rochon(B-movie darling extraordinaire). Shot on what I’m assuming is digital film, it’s your typical subpar B-movie exploit.
The disc is from Tempe DVD. It offers a commentary from cast and crew along with a 30 minute interview. It also offers some kind of newscast parody detailing the yuppie killings a year after. Isn’t sad when crappy movies have special features that nobody except the cast and crew care about.

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True Dudes gives Satanic Yuppies 1 out of 5 middle fingers.

Video Violence
Director: Gary P. Cohen

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Small town video store owner discovers the wrong tape has been returned to his store. Curious, he takes a look at the video only to find that one of his customers has accidentally returned a snuff film. Concerned, he notifies police who dismiss him as a delusional bullshit artist. The more investigating he does, the more his findings lead him to believe that he is living in a town overrun with snuff video junkies.
This is extremely low budget! Shot on video with an amateur cast. It’s pretty fuckin’ hard not to cringe at how shitty some of the acting is. The main problem is that it takes itself way too seriously at times. However, I did enjoy the overall concept of a town filled with DIY snuff film aficionados. (Even if they were a bunch of sick fucks, they had a real sense of community). It’s a good example of how an interesting concept can hold your attention through even the shittest of production values.

Video Violence 2
Director: Gary P. Cohen

In the first Video Violence, all of the town’s snuff films were made by two degenerate fuckheads, Howard and Eli. Well now, Howard and Eli are back and trying to reach a wider audience by taking over television air waves with their own public access show. The film is made up of gory sketches that appear on the Howard and Eli show. You are treated to a blood soaked series of commercials, how-to videos, viewer submissions and much more.
While the first Video Violence was way too rigid and somber, the sequel is extremely tacky and ridiculous. Some of the gags are slightly amusing, but for the most part it’s total fucking dreck. If you like amateurish gore effects, acid wash jeans, and mall hair, you might like this. In spite of colossal cheesiness of both Video Violence 1 and 2, they both offer one redeeming quality, and that’s interior shots of a real old school video store (with specific horror covers prominently placed). That brought back memories and reminded me of seeing the cover art for Video Violence in my favorite video store as a kid, and how I always regretting not renting it when I had the chance. The disc looks all right. It’s of course not widescreen, having been shot on video. The bonus features are decent. You get a commentary track for each movie. There’s an interview with director Gary P. Cohen (recommended). You also get a couple of trailers from the Camp Motion Pictures catalog.

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True Dudes gives Video Violence 1 and 2 a collective one out of five middle fingers.