Satanic Yuppies - 1996
Director: Mark Burchett and Michael D. Fox

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Fuckin’ wise ass news reporter, Pete McGavin, is down on his luck trying to find a story that will really get him recognized as the accomplished writer he believes himself to be. Unfortunately, most of his stories seem to focus around Bigfoot, UFO’s and conspiracy theories. Pete’s editor is fed up with his shit and sends him out to interview a local politician. The local politician just so happens to be planinng a big virgin sacrifice to Satan with the help of Brittany Drake, the head of a local advertising agency. Pete slowly begins to get wrapped up in the yuppies ghastly plot to perform the sacred “Bride of Satan” ritual, aritual that will make them super rich and powerful.
It could’ve been way worse. It could’ve not had any nudity, gore FX, or the occasional funny gag here or there. But, then again, with a title like SATANIC YUPPIES it could’ve been way the fuck better! Started out promising, but went down hill pretty fast. It kind of reminded me of Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, only this isn’t very funny of clever. However, it does offer two cameos from Bill Hinzman(Night of the Living Dead, the Crazies, FleshEater) and Debbie Rochon(B-movie darling extraordinaire). Shot on what I’m assuming is digital film, it’s your typical subpar B-movie exploit.
The disc is from Tempe DVD. It offers a commentary from cast and crew along with a 30 minute interview. It also offers some kind of newscast parody detailing the yuppie killings a year after. Isn’t sad when crappy movies have special features that nobody except the cast and crew care about.

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True Dudes gives Satanic Yuppies 1 out of 5 middle fingers.

Video Violence
Director: Gary P. Cohen

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Small town video store owner discovers the wrong tape has been returned to his store. Curious, he takes a look at the video only to find that one of his customers has accidentally returned a snuff film. Concerned, he notifies police who dismiss him as a delusional bullshit artist. The more investigating he does, the more his findings lead him to believe that he is living in a town overrun with snuff video junkies.
This is extremely low budget! Shot on video with an amateur cast. It’s pretty fuckin’ hard not to cringe at how shitty some of the acting is. The main problem is that it takes itself way too seriously at times. However, I did enjoy the overall concept of a town filled with DIY snuff film aficionados. (Even if they were a bunch of sick fucks, they had a real sense of community). It’s a good example of how an interesting concept can hold your attention through even the shittest of production values.

Video Violence 2
Director: Gary P. Cohen

In the first Video Violence, all of the town’s snuff films were made by two degenerate fuckheads, Howard and Eli. Well now, Howard and Eli are back and trying to reach a wider audience by taking over television air waves with their own public access show. The film is made up of gory sketches that appear on the Howard and Eli show. You are treated to a blood soaked series of commercials, how-to videos, viewer submissions and much more.
While the first Video Violence was way too rigid and somber, the sequel is extremely tacky and ridiculous. Some of the gags are slightly amusing, but for the most part it’s total fucking dreck. If you like amateurish gore effects, acid wash jeans, and mall hair, you might like this. In spite of colossal cheesiness of both Video Violence 1 and 2, they both offer one redeeming quality, and that’s interior shots of a real old school video store (with specific horror covers prominently placed). That brought back memories and reminded me of seeing the cover art for Video Violence in my favorite video store as a kid, and how I always regretting not renting it when I had the chance. The disc looks all right. It’s of course not widescreen, having been shot on video. The bonus features are decent. You get a commentary track for each movie. There’s an interview with director Gary P. Cohen (recommended). You also get a couple of trailers from the Camp Motion Pictures catalog.

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True Dudes gives Video Violence 1 and 2 a collective one out of five middle fingers.

Three on a Meathook - 1973
Director: William Girdler

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Four girls experience car trouble on their way to a lake house for a weekend getaway. They are offered a place to spend the night so they can get their car is fixed by Billy, who just so happens to be passing by. When they arrive at the house, they are met by Billy’s father, who is very apprehensive about having the girls stay over. It seems Billy has had problems around girls in the past. Plus, his father doesn’t want unpure girls in the house that his saintly late wife once lived in. Billy fixes the gals a bite to eat, and one of the girls complements Billy on how good the meat tastes. He informs her that his Pa knows a thing or two ‘bout making good tasting meat. It comes as no surprise that shortly after the girls turn in for the night the ever loving shit gets murdered out of them.
The next morning Billy’s father informs him that he went berserk again and hacked up the young ladies. Of course, Billy has no recollection of ever committing the actual atrocities. He orders Billy to go to the city and see a movie while he cleans up the mess. After the movie, Billy heads into a night club and gets shit faced. The next morning he wakes up next to the barmaid he met the night before. They hit it off and she promises to come and visit him on his farm. Billy tells his Pa all about his new gal-pal and her upcoming visit. Naturally, Pa feels this a bad idea considering Billy’s history of blacking out and chopping up his female over night guests.
A few days later Billy’s girlfriend Sherry shows up with another female guest. Billy gives them the grand tour of the farm and then introduces them to his father. Pa has had a few too many and is belligerent and upset about the girls spending the night. After dinner Billy and Sherry go for a roll in the hay. This gives Billy’s father a perfect opportunity to put a pick ax through the other girl’s stomach.
The next day Sherry goes out looking for her friend around the farm. She finds three young women in the shed hanging from meathooks. She runs into the house and finds Billy’s father hacking up part of a human leg. He tries to take her out with a blow from his meat cleaver, but Billy’s just in time to save her. Pa tries to get Billy with the cleaver but is saved by his mother, who was thought to be dead. Later a psychologist explains to Billy that his mother was a cannibal. Which is why his father had to fake her death.
I decided to rewatch this after reading a few positive reviews claiming that it never got the respect it deserved and was some kind of lost gem. I don’t know if I would go that far, but Three on a Meathook is definitely an enjoyable, schlocky little film. It’s kind of drags and is a little dull at times, but the last ten minutes are really fucking good. It kind of has the feel of an Andy Milligan or Al Adamson film. However’ it was directed by William Girdler who later went on to make other exploitation like Abby, Grizzly and Day of the Animals. There’s nothing really that special about this as far as the movie is concerned. I think it often gets more attention than it deserves for being the first in the long line of Ed Gein inspired expliotation films (Deranged and Texas Chainsaw Massacre both came out a year later). Not the greatest, but is certainly worth a watch if you get the chance.

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True Dudes gives Three on a Meathook 2 out of 5 middle fingers.

A going away party for a friend ends in disaster when a monster attacks New York City.

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

I’ll just come right out and say it, this movie kicks ass! Although it is filmed like the Blair Witch Project (hand held, first person video camera), that’s where the similarities end. Cloverfield is fucking intense. Instead of twigs and a person standing in a corner (like the Shit Witch Project), we actually have something to be scared of. We get to see the monster up close and personal. A couple of times we are right in its face and it is fucking cool looking. The monster is an original design and totally scary. Make no mistake about it , this is most definitely a monster movie!

The humans are o.k. too. The acting is decent and the characters are only mildly annoying. The worst being actor T.J. Miller, playing the character Hud, who at times I wished would hurry up and die. His character was also responsible for the majority of the filming, which I found a little hard to believe. I mean, he’s getting chased by a huge fucking monster and he still keeps filming? Also, I don’t know what brand video camera they were using but it must be the greatest camera ever. The battery never dies and they drop it at least twenty times with out it breaking.

Over all I really enjoyed this film. Even if it did hit an occasional bump in the road, they were easy to get past. The filming style, while chaotic, was also easy to adjust to. Thanks to a short run time, 84 min., this movie was fast paced and exciting.

True Dudes gives Cloverfield 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS BEST OF 2007:

• 300
• Grindhouse
• Once
• Hot Fuzz
• Away From Her
• Knocked Up
• Superbad
• Gone Baby Gone
• The Assassination Of Jesse James
• The Mist
• Juno

TRUE DUDES WORST OF 2007:

• Pathfinder
• I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry
• War
• Halloween
• 30 Days of Night
• Hitman

Barn of the Naked Dead - 1974
Director: Alan Rudolf/Andrew Prine/Gerald Cormier

Three young women on their way to Las Vegas attempt a short cut through the desert only to have their car break down. They are picked up by Andre (Andrew Prine) who offers to take them to safety. Instead, Andre takes them back to his barn and chains them down. It seems Andre has a bit of a circus fetish and takes pleasure in kidnapping young women and training them to become obedient circus animals for his deranged circus.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS:

I can not fucking believe that I’m just now getting around to seeing this! This is one of the best exploitation films I’ve seen in a long time. It reminded me a lot of Spider Baby in the way it seems like your typical, run of the mill camp film, but actually delivers some genuinely creepy moments. Many of the scenes are heightened by the enjoyable porno-esque soundtrack. Andrew Prine is especially good in his role as the sadistic ringleader. I also thought that Andres murderous, radioactive father who lives in the shed was a nice touch (it reminded me of the deformed creature that lives in the basement from The Brain that Wouldn’t Die). I recommend the fuckin’ shit out of this film!
This DVD was released by Legend House (Johnny and Lynnie Legends DVD company). The DVD supplements on this disc are pretty fucking impressive! There’s a great half-hour interview with Barn of the Naked Dead star andrew Prine. Plus, you get the Gore Beat, Johnny Legends video zine. Gore Beat delivers some enjoyable interviews (John Landis, Fred Olen Ray, Brian Yuzna) and Johnny’s tribute to horror films that take place down on the farm (trailers for Invasion of the Blood Farmers and Death Farm). There is also a short bit with Ray Dennis Steckler about his next film and some on set footage of Legend playing live. All good shit!

If you like this review and would like to purchase the DVD go to the TDR Shop.

True Dudes gives The Barn of the Naked Dead 4 out of 5 middle fingers.

Teenage Exorcist - 1991
Dir: Grant Austin Waldman

An unsuspecting girl rents an old house that takes possession of her mind. When her sister and brother-in-law find her transformed into a smoking, drinking, chainsaw wielding seductress, they call in a priest and a local pizza delivery boy to wage war against the demons of hell!

TRUE DUDES REVIEW:

Well, I liked this better than William Friedkin’s EXORCIST.
Diane (Brinke Stevens) is fresh out of college, done with dorm life and looking for a place of her own. Lucky for her,Baron DeSade’s old pad is up for grabs. Unfortunately, the house is totally haunted by is sadistic former tenant. Of course, naive little Diane doesn’t know about any of this shit. But, I guess that’s what you would expect when Michael (The Hills Have Eyes) Berryman is your fuckin’ real estate agent. The house has its little quirks (the milk containers breathe, the python occaisonally hallucinates, and the lettuce bleeds when you cut it). But, when rent’s just $25 a month, who the fuck cares?!
The Baron isn’t too happy about the virgin Diane moving in on his turf. DeSade doesn’t waste any time possessing the young lass and turning her into a slutty party animal. Sensing that something’s a little wrong with her new place, Diane invites her sister and brother-in-law over to visit. They get there a little too late, and Diane is in total trampy demon mode. Possessed Diane gets the party started by trying to fuck her sister’s husband Mike (Jay Richardson), and then trying to kill her sister Sally (Elena Sahagun) with a chainsaw. They take it upon themselves to subdue Diane and tie her to her bed. Diane’s nerdy pseudo-boyfriend Jeff drops by to check on her. After seeing that she’s totally possessed, he decides it time to bring in a fuckin’ priest.
Father McFerrin (Robert Quarry) hauls his fat ass over to the mansion to perform the exorcism. McFerrin spills the beans about the history of the mansion and the evil Baron DeSade. After a few failed attempts at aborting Diane’s demons, the padre decides it’s time to call in the big guns, the motherfuckin’ Monseigneur! Unfortunately, he gets the Monseigneur’s answering machine, which refers him to another number. McFerrin fucks up and dials the wrong number. He reaches a fuckin’ pizza place and accidentally orders pizzas instead of getting a more qualified exorcist.
Enter Eddie (Eddie Deezen) as the nerdy, mischievous pizza boy. It doesn’t take the group long to figure out that Eddie is not the heroic exorcist they thought they were getting. With the real exorcist out of the picture, the group has to foil the evil DeSade’s virgin sacrifice on their own. After several wacky attempts, they blow up the demonici Desade and free Diane from her possessed state. And to add insult to injury they make a pizza using the demonic DeSade’s head as a topping, prepared by chef Michael (Berryman).
Teenage Exorcist is a perfect example of a good b-movie. It’s got a nice, smooth pace propelled by clever dialogue and cheeky Mad magazine-esque sight gags. The original story was written by Fred Olen Ray (Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers, Bikini Drive-In, Dinosaur Island) and the screenplay was penned by Teenage Exorcist star Brinke Stevens (Slumber Party Massacre, Sorority Babes in the Slime-Ball Bowl-A-Rama). Teenage Exorcist was directed by Fred Olen Ray collaborator Grant Austin Waldman. Waldman worked as assistant director to Ray on Bad Girls from Mars and Wizards of the Demon Sword. In fact, a majority of the cast and crew are Fred Olen Ray regulars.
What really makes this film is its cast. Robert Quarry (Count Yorga, Vampire) is great as the bumbling Irish priest. Eddie Deezen plays basically the same hyperactive super-nerd that he always plays, which I think is fucking hilarious. The same kinda goes for Brinke, typical Brinke acting, only in this one she plays both the shy girl and the seductive evil temptress. Fred Olen Ray favorite Jay Richardson is really funny in this as Mike the uptight, yuppie stockbroker (although, I thought he was funnier in Hollywood Chainsaw Hookers). Elena Sahagun is really nothing special acting-wise, however, she is awesome in her nude shower scene. It’s also fucking great seeing Michael Berryman play a straight character and not just some deranged psycho. Although it’s not a big scene, he really shines as the timid real estate agent.
I wouldn’t really recommend this if you’re just looking for excessive gore or nudity. I would recommend this, however, if your looking for high-spirited b-movie fun.

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True Dudes gives Teenage Exorcist 3 out of 5 middle fingers.

Northville Cemetery Massacre - 1976
Director - Thomas Dyke/William Dear

True Dudes Review:

The Spirts Motorcycle Club (potrayed by actual members of Detroit’s Scorpions Motorcycle Club) may look like a rowdy gang of shit kickin’ skull splittin’ dope pushin’ mother fuckers, but really they’re just a misunderstood organization that dosen’t wanna take any shit from the man. Unfortunately, that comes back and bites ‘em in the ass. After the cops break up one of the Spirt’s shindigs, the cops locate a friend of the club and his girlfriend. The cops beat the shit out of the kid, then beat and rape his girlfriend. The Spirts are then wrongly accused of raping and beating the young woman. The woman’s father is disapointed in the lack of help the cops can give, so one of “pigs” helps him to form a vigalante gang to get some revenge. The gang offs a few of the Spirts, which sparks an all out battle of bikers vs. pigs.
Overall it’s pretty fuckin’ badass. It’s got a nice bleak outlook on society and makes you hate the cops even more than you already do. It’s kind of like a low-budget, biker exploitation version of The Wild Bunch in some ways. The end of Northville Cemetary Massacre did remind me of the “Battle of Bloody Porch” scene from The Wild Bunch. Luckly, the DVD hasn’t been remastered or cleaned up at all, giving it the gritty, fucked up look it deserves.
It’s nice to see that VCI Enertainment actually put some effort into the bonus features. It offers two director comentarry tacks with Thomas Dyke and William Dear and another commentary track with existing members of the Scorpions. I would imagine the Scorpions track is probably the most intresting. It also offers photo galleries (the one with international lobby cards and vhs covers is pretty cool) and talent bios. It has trailers, but unfortuntantly there isn’t one for Northville Cemetery Massacre.
If you happen to be looking for more in the way of biker exploitation, I reccomend Wild Angels, Werewolves on Wheels, Satan’s Sadists, and She Devil’s on Wheels.

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True Dudes gives Northville Cemetery Massacre 3 out of 5 middle fingers.