TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #17

M. Night Shyamalan has lost his fucking mind!  What other reason could there be for The Crappening, I mean The Happening?  How the hell do you go from the directorial trifecta of The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs, to the directorial triFUCKta of The Village, Lady in the Water, and The Happening?  At first it seemed Shyamalan’s film’s could only get better.  Now I’m wondering if they can get any worse.  The Happening supposedly cost almost 60 million to make, but it sure doesn’t look like it.  I’ve seen Troma movies that look 10 times better for 20 times less.  And apparently M. NIght wrote the script (which is fucking horrible) with Mark Wahlberg in mind, except Wahlberg is laughably miscast (as is almost the entire rest of the cast).  Filled with unintentionally hilarious dialouge (”we must outrun run the wind”), The Happening is a complete disaster.  What the fuck M. NIght Shyamaln?  If this isn’t your last movie, it fucking should be.  At least until you can come up with another good idea.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #16

There must be alot of horny, old women out there or slut chic must be back in style, because Sex and the City is going to out perform the second weekend of Indiana Jones. Not only is this un-fucking believable, it’s just down right fucking wrong. How can this happen America? I thought the only people who liked Sex and the City were woman and gay men. Apparently every homosexual dude everywhere flocked to see this fucking movie. I just don’t get it. Indiana Jones is an icon. The ladies from Sex in the City are nothing more than snobby bitches who like to fuck guys with money. Could a movie be more shallow? What the Fuck?

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #16

I thought it was common knowledge that Katie Holmes sucks.  While Batman Begins was awesome, she was terrible in it.  Her best role was probably Disturbing Behavior and that’s saying something.  I thought everyone felt this way , but apparently I’m wrong (it does happen from time to time).  According to imdb.com, the worst kept secret on Broadway is no longer a secret - Katie Holmes will star in the upcoming revival of playwright Arthur Miller’s All My Sons. The Batman Begins star will join a cast that also will include John Lithgow, Dianne Wiest and Patrick Wilson. The drama, about a family patriarch’s darkest secret, was Miller’s first big hit and is beloved by thespians and theatre critics throughout the world. It will mark the first time a Miller play has been staged on Broadway since the writer’s death in 2005. The play will also be Holmes’ Broadway debut. Venue and dates were not available as WENN went to press, but the play is expected to debut this autumn.
 
Are you shitting me Broadway?  Do you know who Katie Holmes is?  Not only can’t she act, but she’s a fucking looney.  How else can you explain her marriage to Tom Cruise?  At first I thought that this must be a joke, but it’s not.  What the fuck Broadway?

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #15

I recently read an article on one of my favorite sites CHUD, and I thought it was interesting and would fit in perfectly with our WWTF. While I don’t necessarily agree with it in terms of the violence in Prince Caspian (there’s not a single drop of blood), I do think the MPAA are definitley crooked motherfuckers. Enjoy and check out CHUD if you get the chance. THE MPAA BOWS DOWN TO DISNEY: Small movies get shit on, as do movies with explicit sexuality. So little has changed in the ensuing decades that it’s kind of extremely depressing. We still don’t have a working rating for adult films, which is insane.

I bring all of this up because, until three minutes ago, I assumed Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian was a PG-13 movie. I didn’t even question it - the film is packed with violence, and not just violence visited on fairy animals but on real people. There are more kills in this film than most Friday the 13th movies, and while there’s barely a drop of blood in the film (just like Friday the 13th Part VII!), it’s generally the same kind of ‘epic’ violence that got The Lord of the Rings movies their deserved PG-13s.

But Prince Caspian is a PG film.

This, my friends, is bullshit. Eric D Snider at Cinematical is the guy who brought this to my attention with his Fan Rant HERE, and I think he’s right on the money with this: ‘I’d like to give the MPAA the benefit of the doubt, but I would bet money that this is the result of Disney “suggesting” to the ratings board that they’d really, really like the family-oriented PG rating. Disney is one of the six major studios that comprise the Motion Picture Association of America, and it’s absurd to think that the ratings board is immune from influence from those member studios, especially when things like this happen.’The member studios have the ability to waltz in and get one through the system because… well, they are the system. The MPAA is funded by the studios. It’s a tool of the studios, an in-house police force that exists to keep the government out of the movie business. Which I completely endorse, obviously, as does the First Amendment. But the problem is that the MPAA plays favorites again and again, and here is an obvious case. We’re going to see it again in July, when The Dark Knight, a film that is by all accounts extraordinarily hard edged, gets a PG-13 rating where it probably should get an R.Frankly, the whole thing is shameful, especially with a movie that contains religious messages. I have no problem with the level of violence in Prince Caspian, I am curious how the family audience will react to it, but I am deeply troubled by the continued way the unfair MPAA bows to the studios. This system is irreparably broken at this point, and the idea of having confidence in the fairness and impartiality of the ratings system is a joke. The only bright spot here is that this could be the summer of the next Temple of Doom, a summer when parental outrage at films that have been given patently ludicrous ratings forces the MPAA’s hand and some changes get made.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #14

What the fuck is up with people throwing shit on the screen at the movie theater.  The last two times I went to the movies someone had thrown a soda and gummi bears at the screen.  These people are fucking assholes.  Because of them I now have to watch Iron Man with a big brown coke stain on the screen.  Do they dislike the movie so much that in disgust they throw shit all over the place or are they trying to piss everyone else off?  Also, a soda at the movie costs a small fortune and these inconsiderate fuckers are wasting their money.  If any of you have ever thrown food or drinks at the movie screen, FUCK YOU!  You are foolish, ignorant pricks who can’t have a good time without ruining someone else’s.  What the fuck?

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #13

I shit you not!  This is a real movie.  All of you should be screaming WHAT THE FUCK!  This is Disney scrapping the bottom of the creativity barrel.  What happened to beautifily drawn cartoons like The Little Mermaid and The Lion King.  When I was a kid and a new Disney movie came out it was an event.  Is anyone seriously looking forward to this?  Oh well, I guess we might as well get ready for inevitable Taco Bell/Disney toy campaign.  I’m sure Taco Bell will have a ridiculous amount of product placement in this undoubtedly shitty movie.  Hell, that was probably the reason the stupid thing got made in the first place.  What the fuck?

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #12 

So, the other day I re watched Last Action Hero and I couldn’t help but think what the fuck?  This is a totally underrated classic and it’s a shame how truly unloved this film is.  When released in 1993, it was intended to be one of the summers biggest blockbusters.  Budgeted at a then staggering 85 million, it grossed only 15 million its opening weekend and barely crossed the 50 million mark before leaving theaters.  During one of Schwarzenegger’s finest moments his fans hung him out to dry.

For starters, this movie is hilarious.  Schwarzenegger gives a great performance while making fun of his muscle bound, hero status.  His tongue in cheek performance compliments the script perfectly.  Written by True Dude favorite Shane Black, the script is filled with so many smart and witty film fan in jokes and movie references that it makes your head spin.  The jokes come fast and furious and are almost always spot on.  Last Action Hero is so self aware and self mocking that you can’t help but grin along with the cast.  Its really a crime against great cinema that this spoof/homage of the high octane action films of the summer never clicked with American moviegoers.  It seemed to be too intelligent for its intended audience.  Instead of just being able to watch shit blow up, they were forced to follow a complicated, but clever plot.  Gone was the broad humor and tough guy one liners.  In its place was fresh ideas, creative dialouge, and characters you had to care about.  The core action fans just did not want to see Arnold making fun of himself or the genre that they had come to know and love.  Unfortunately, this was the last time Schwarzenegger and company ever tried anything quite this original.  And thanks to the masses we had to endure shit like Collateral Damage.  What the fuck?

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #11

Unfortunatly, this week Charlton Heston died. He was a man amongst men. During his lifetime Mr. Heston stared evil in the face on numerous occasions. Whether he was,battling those damn, dirty apes, or clashing with Micheal Moore, Charlton Heston always ended up victorious. A hero to us all, he saved us from albino aliens, from being turned into a delicious and nutrious food source by the government, and he protected our 2nd amendment rights. If anyone out there claims Charlton Heston was not a man to be admired obviously you have never seen The Ten Commandments, Ben Hur, Planet of the Apes, Omega Man, or Soylent Green. If you haven’t WHAT THE FUCK? Get to your local video store and rent these pronto! Oh, and also go buy a gun or rifle you pussies, Charlton would have wanted it that way.

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #10

Never, I repeat, never sit in the back row at the movie theater unless you want to sit in dried man juices left over from past fuck fests. The back row (or as I like to call them, the semen seats), have become a dumping ground for ejaculatory fluids. Why the hell are people treating theater auditoriums like motels that rent rooms by the hour? Whatever happened to good old fashioned sex in the backseat of your own car? It’s free and no one else has to listen to all the slurping and sucking noises you careless perverts are undoubtedly making. You horn balls aren’t just doing it in empty theaters either. I was once in a sold out show (Harry Potter and The Prisoner of Azkaban) and saw a girl giving her boyfriend head while sitting across the aisle from a family of five. I’m all for getting a blow job, but not in public. How the fuck did that guy even get hard sitting across from Wally and The Beav? I’ve seen people take there pants all the way off to have sex during the movies. That’s fucking ballsy! When I saw Juno, a guy in the back row was fucking his girlfriend doggie style and they were loud as hell. I mean, what the fuck people? Can’t you keep it in your pants for two hours? Oh, and by the way, the projectionists are probably watching all of you and laughing their asses off. What the fuck!

TRUE DUDES REVIEWS WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK!!!

The weekly What the Fuck is a weekly column (obviously) that has to do with whatever is pissing us off this week in the world of movies.

WEEKLY WHAT THE FUCK #9

Yesterday, I was waiting in line to purchase a ticket for a movie.  Two women were directly in front of me in line.  When they got to the counter, they asked the employee for two tickets to a movie that was no longer playing.  I heard the theater employee tell them this very politely.  However, the two women responded rudely telling the employee that the newspaper said the theater was still showing the film.  The employee asked them when they saw this in the paper and one of the women responded,  “a few days ago”.  The employee had to explain that new movies open on Friday and that old movies had to be dropped to make room for the new ones.  The two bitches, I mean women, responded “that’s ridiculous” and they stormed off.  I purchased my ticket and went in to the theater.  The previews started and after two or three of them, the couple behind me sighed loudly and began complaining that there are always too many previews before the movies.  This, coupled with the earlier incident that I witnessed, really pissed me off.  What the fuck is wrong with people.  Why can’t they shut the fuck up, stop complaining, and enjoy themselves.  For starters, what kind of moron looks at a paper from a few days ago to get the current showtimes for today.  Do they seriously not know that new shit opens on Friday?  Its been this way since I can remember (with the exception of the occasional Wednesday opening or holiday opening).  Have they never been to the movies before?  And for the people who complain about previews, shut up.  Some people enjoy them and don’t want to listen to your dumb mouth talking over them.  Also, if you don’t like all the trailers then fucking leave.  No one made you come to the theater.  What the fuck!  You fuckers all act like everything is a catastrophe.